The giant plated lizard (Gerrhosaurus validus)

Imagine walking through the bush and bumping into a creature that looks like it’s wearing an iron vest straight out of a medieval cosplay convention? Enter: The giant plated lizard! This lizard is basically the Knight of the Reptilian Round Table, if the knights were more into sunbathing and snacking than jousting.

These lizards aren’t called “plated” for nothing. Their scales look like someone glued armour plates all over them - practical for a lizard trying to survive in a neighbourhood full of larger, toothier carnivores. When in danger, this lizard doesn’t panic and sprint away like a clumsy track star; it dramatically wedges itself into cracks or burrows and dares its enemies to do their worst. You want to eat me? Come peel this living tank out of its hiding place! Spoiler alert: predators usually give up.

The giant plated lizard isn’t winning any beauty contests, but hey, beauty is subjective. These guys are around half a metre long (2 feet) with a mix of rusty red, black, and sometimes a sassy yellow hue. It’s like they walked through a DIY paint shop blindfolded, but somehow it works.

Their tails are like thick clubs. You almost want them to use it as a weapon, like the reptile version of Thor’s hammer, but no - plated lizards aren’t out here fighting anyone. They prefer the “sit back, soak up the sun, and snack on bugs” lifestyle. Living their best life, really.

When it comes to social skills, the giant plated lizard is… let’s say an introvert. These lizards live in small groups, but they’re not exactly throwing wild lizard parties. Think more like a family reunion where everyone’s on their phones or hiding in their rooms. They only come out to eat or enjoy some good old Vitamin D. Relatable, right?

Despite their warrior look, these lizards are softies when it comes to food. They eat bugs, fruits, and flowers, making them the vegans of the lizard world—if vegans sometimes ate bugs. But here’s the weird part: they’ll occasionally munch on their own shed skin. Why? Who knows? Maybe it’s like their version of comfort food or some weird lizard detox trend.

In the end, the giant plated lizard is like that chill dude in your friend group who’s always unbothered, minding their own business. They don’t go out looking for trouble, they just want to bask in the sun and enjoy a nice crunchy beetle from time to time.

So, the next time you’re in the bush, keep an eye out for these armoured sunbathers. Just don’t expect them to sign autographs. They’re kind of shy.